changes and git fit!

Today was very eventful. I am not jealous of the lives of my clients. I am reminded daily how every similar we all are -- broken, hurting, searching --- in need of love and change. I'm learning so much, especially how much I still need to learn. Today's lesson: how to spot signs of drug use. It's one I have almost zero exposure to and yet have 3 clients (that i know of) who use. So we get to learn together! Humility is a strong suit in what I do daily. I love praying and caring for these women and men. I did have one client who stated she went to church a couple weeks ago and "joined the church/became a Christian". That's AMAZING news.

I am able to be home tonight which is wonderful. I have the house to myself for a week while my parents and Alex explore San Antonio, TX for spring break. My mom just stated that they're going to a Snake Farm thursday and that Alex has bought me a coybow hat. My dad was teaching him how to "slap leather" aka line dance in the hotel room. haha I do wish I could be there. I've been spending my time to catch up on some things: budgeting, blogging, health test, clean, etc. It's helpful.

The biggest thing right now is i'm really feeling the push to lose some weight and git fit! I'm in my friend Bre's wedding in October -- first friend wedding to be in! and then I took this health assessment today and it states for my health I need to loose 20-50 lbs. Ideally, according to this, I should loose 50-80lbs. I think i'll start with the first :) I really want to do this.........dear jesus i know i'll need your help

I've been doing a lot of heart searching these past few days. It's good. I miss Christian community. It's amazing the changes that can happen in your life by being more self aware and being proactive for the sake of yourself! What kind of life is it if a situation came our way and ever time we just shrugged our shoulders with an "eh" response??? I know I am so guilty of this apathetic/warn down response. I watch my clients/friends/family make fail to be Pro-active for the sake of themselves and end up lower than they started. It's sad. However, I fail to be proactive myself.

Who told us we weren't worth the fight? Who ever told us its too tough to keep trying? Who ever told us to stop caring/loving ourselves? I know I believe these to some extent, but I want more to learn the truth. That I am worth it, it is worth loving myself and I have great strength...all through the grace of a Papa who cares so much and loves so deeply. what amazing grace.

i need to start caring again about me. and not about what others are thinking of me. i miss my confidence and understanding in God.

things i want to start doing again:

1. taking photographs just for the fun of it. and really thinking about the shot and the enjoyment, not what people will think.

2. work out. i miss it so much.

...i'm lost...

...i've wandered into the woods and although it looks familiar i'm not really sure where i am. i think i've walked in circles but instead of seeking wisdom to find my way out...i've sat down. I now sit playing with the grassy forest floor. I know i shouldn't be here, although its momentarily comfortable that will change and i'll regret this time. However, right now i'm content and i dont want to try. so i curl up, and fall asleep on the cool damp earth.....

what makes you come alive?

I think last weekend confirmed for me some special things that have made me who i am. My home away from home through college was this beautiful place of love, laughter, faith, redemption, family and more on a deep level. this place and the people that filled its indoor space time and time again are amazing. It was so refreshing to see so many beautiful and wonderful people together again. i will miss that.

however it confirmed for me that two things always and forever make me come alive:

1. Music -- it is the glue of the world. music that makes you truely feel something other than some sweet beats. and i adore when people i know and love get on that stage to express their gifts thus coming alive through a medium that brings the life out of them.

...which brings me to #2....

2. People -- i love to see people come alive, to be raw and real --no matter the emotion. deep honesty is a beautiful thing.

i was standing next to many friends listening to the incredible sounds performed with instruments that genuinely bring out the life in the people i love. it was indescribable. and while standing there singing along to their old tunes...i remembered why this was apart of my life so much and why it will forever be apart of my life in some way. ...such peace...

there's still more that makes me come alive and i'm desiring to learn how to live from this.

what makes you come alive?

<3

An excellent story/challenge...please read

My dear English friend Simeon sent this to me. It's great and a quick read. i hope it encourages/challenges you like it did me --- enjoy:

It’s a story about dealing with the bad and the evil when they get mixed in with the good. You can turn negative, focus on the evil and spend your life picking out the bad. Jesus advises His disciples not to do so. Instead, concentrate on growing the good seed. The rest will sort it out in the end. Allow me to illustrate.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things had become so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it. She wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.' 'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardboiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?' Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

It’s the way to deal with the weeds of this life. Don’t overlook that Jesus was fully aware evil had sown the weeds. His solution was the way of the coffee bean. Let the struggles release the growth, new growth, of the good seed. You see, the good seed in this story is Jesus Christ. He produces the fruit that doesn’t burn up at the end. It is brought home to God.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Christ is the only one who can make that difference. We must turn and trust in Him more than ever to face the challenges of the day. The Kingdom of God has looked them in the face before. It overcame not by sorting out the weeds but by growing under pressure. May God give us/you the grace. Amen.

Happy New Year

"These scars, they will not fade away."

A couple days off from work is so nice! It's been a crazy few months. Lots of things going on. Lots of reading, working, spending time with friends and family. Now the new year. The holidays are over for now... new beginnings... a new start... at least that's the hope for the turn of a new year. for a chance to start fresh, to change and make new, to set goals and acheive them. who knows what this year will bring.

i hope for freedom and joy. i hope to find what really makes me alive. to find health physicially, spiritually, financially and emotionally. that's a mountain in my mind and heart. i need grace and support. im in a time of need in my life in a big and real way. i just hope i can really find the motivation and drive it takes to be who God has made me to be....

im not that kid anymore...right? i guess that's a choice i have to make.

happy new year...if you're reading this. i hope and pray it brings you joy and peace.

"I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive" (paramore)